shadow work: latent dominatrix vibes
shadow work: latent dominatrix vibes
happy saturday to all who celebrate. today i went to the supermarket on the hunt for a ripe mango. after squeezing about fourteen with no luck, my mind drifted off and began fantasizing about a draconian store manager lecturing me on my unsanitary behavior. she would quickly decide i ought to be disciplined stockade style and i’d be propped up in the middle of the produce section covered in barcode stickers for all the licentious shoppers to manhandle. you know you’re sexually frustrated when fluorescent lighting doesn’t impede arousal.
lately i’ve been having the relatable cool girl experience of talking to people on dating apps and it never going anywhere. usually, the vibe fizzles out pretty quickly. after three minutes of messaging they’ll hit me with an “add me on snapchat, i rarely check this app”, which as we all know is the universal sign for “i married my college girlfriend so her dad would give me a job at his law firm but i’m actually so inept even nepotism can’t save me”. but even on the rare occasion when the convo graduates to texting, i inevitably get bored of exchanging pleasantries and fast track it to dirty talk. after we both cum to stylistically unseasoned vignettes of entry-level bdsm, there’s not much left to say and the goodnight text doubles as a goodbye.
(but seriously though, can you blame me for getting bored so easily? there is only so much you can say about how bands are better live and “cooking seems hard at first but i learned and now it’s easy”.)
i mean to be fair, i know i can’t complain about no one making an effort to actually get to know me if i never make an effort to let anyone actually get to know me. like i get that 90% of people i talk on these cursed apps know everything my humiliation kink and nothing about my hobbies, but also does anyone even have hobbies anymore? or least ones that aren’t manufactured by viral videos of how celebrities are staying busy during quarantine? like is fermenting your own kombucha really your new passion or do you just want to feel like gwenyth paltrow? i mean hey, no judgment…feeling rich is the only reason i wash my face.
i did actually have a semi-thrilling sexting experience this month. he was a political science MA student (aka not enough grit to be a journalist but too attractive for philosophy) and we met on Bumble, famously. despite my usual intolerance for small talk, we actually chatted back and forth for a few weeks. mostly about existentialism which would typically bore me to tears but recently i’ve been feeling insecure about the fact that all the men who came on my face in grad school are publishing books now. i really gotta brush up on something other than Twitter discourse or else my kink for being told i can’t add is gonna stop feeling cute.
anyway, after our first few weeks of talking i finally broached the topic of d/s stuff which he was delightfully eager to discuss. he admitted he knew little about kink and wanted to learn more so i recommended a few books to him. the one he actually went out and purchased was the recent banger Kink by RO Kwon and Garth Greenwell. it’s a collection of essays written by some real literary icons (Alexander Che, Chris Kraus, and Larissa Pham to name a few) and honestly a pretty good survey course of what bdsm can look like, not to mention the complex emotions that come with it.
to my surprise, this guy actually did his homework. he would tell me about the chapters he read and i would ask him to tell me what peaked his interest. then of course we would envision it over text in much greater detail. there was something incredibly hot about the idea of submitting to someone as i was teaching them to be a proper dom. i imagined continuing to give him assigned readings and then seeing how well he implemented their content after ordering me to kneel. as a submissive, i’m used to having a high degree of control about what goes on during sex but this was much more explicit.
(do i have latent dominatrix tendencies or am i just trying to overcompensate for the fact that i bailed on my career path towards being a professor? something to ask my therapist so i can avoid talking about my dad!)
we planned on meeting up towards the end of this month, as i wanted to wait a full 14 days for my booster shot to kick in like an obedient little member of society. plus, as i’ve said many times i like to talk with a person for a while and test how they respond to my boundaries before i meet up for an evening of debauchery. unfortunately, the longer we talked, the less interested he seemed in discussing anything beyond *~making me his own personal whore~*. he didn’t want to talk about books anymore, he didn’t care to ask me any more questions about myself. just non-stop sexting at 11 PM with the same redundant devil and tongue emojis at the end of every sentence.
needless to say, the whole thing felt like karma it was almost comical. i never thought i would be the one complaining that someone was only trying to sext me and not ask about my aspirations or have an on-going discussion about the best place to get calamari. i think what i got so hooked on was the atypical amount of depth our conversations had, given that we were total strangers who met on a platform where you swipe through human beings like items on a conveyor belt. when it became clear that he lost interest in anything beyond a midnight wank, i gave half-hearted responses until he got the memo and never texted back. i do wonder if he’ll finish the book.
in other news, i’ve been blowing my paychecks on home decor lately. how can my life be on track if i’m not surrounded by things?! i’ve also been listening to a lot of old school Evanescence recently because it’s nice to hear music i liked as a kid in an environment free of everything that made my childhood miserable. i also love blasting Going Under as i run dumb errands and pretend i’m going to my job at Hot Topic instead. sometimes i look around and am like fuck, what if the good old days were the ones i used to complain about in my diary?
anyway, i don’t have much else to report. i want to start publishing more of my writing in actual magazines and journals but every time i try and do that i read the little blurb in the submission guidelines that’s like “before sending us your stuff, read past issues to get a sense for what we publish”. and then of course i read it and i’m like okay wow everyone here has a PHD and knows what iambic pentameter is. oh, what i would give to have the confidence of someone with supportive parents and an air fryer.
Night, freaks <3
-Racheyyyy
p.s: forgive any spelling errors, i’m sleepy!