hot ghoul diary 5.0

i mixed up going to the movies with romance again.

friday

10:45 AM - melody and i are at marshall’s and i think i’m about to have heat stroke in the hand soap aisle. that, or the panic of telling my male friend (colin the film bro) that i liked him a few days ago is finally setting in. either way, the offensively iridescent toiletry bundles are all starting to blur together and i feel like i might vomit into a rae dunn hand towel. at least that would give it some character.

11:24 AM - i’ve made my way to the purse section and am humbled by the sea of off-brand coach bags. the designs are so horrifically homogenous that i can’t help but be reminded that there are things in the world much bigger than me and my gorgeous choice to respond to a spirited away meme with a paragraph text that should have stayed a notes app poem. ultimately, i’m just a tiny speck (plus-size dilettante in a too-tight sundress) living within a vast universe (14 aisles of the same brown purse with slightly different chain straps).

thankfully, my pleather-induced existential crisis is cut short as melody drags me away to look at a hello kitty ottoman. it’s her birthday and i love her so much it makes me wish i won the lottery so i could buy everything in the store. naturally, we go ape shit in the candle section.

11:32 AM - the cart is overflowing now. we come to our senses and decide what to put back. this feels like an episode of the simple life, except instead of two heiresses LARPing as working class we’re two only children trying to decide how much unnecessary home decor we can buy without being charged an over-draft fee. here’s a look at what’s in the cart:

11:58 AM - we’ve made it past the final boss of marshall’s: the impulse purchase labyrinth leading up to checkout. when we get there, melody says it’s her 31st birthday. the cashier tells her she looks 21. i want to say something about how it’s possible to see a woman’s beauty without presuming youth, but anyone who tries to create a teachable moment at the cash register is on the side of the oppressor.

we leave with a cart full of stuff and i wonder when i’m going to grow out of buying Shit I Don’t Need™️. the other day someone told me i would make a good mommy domme. i said i can barely take care of myself.

saturday

4:12 PM - i’m heading up to see my grandfather, corned beef in hand. driving 20 minutes out of the way to bring him food from his favorite deli is the only way i know how to say “i love you more than i have time to show you”. i think it’s also the only way he knows how to receive that sentiment, so it works out pretty well. he always asks me if i was able to park okay. i always lie and say yes. the day i get towed, i’ll take a lyft to his place and lie about that too.

4:45 PM - i get to his apartment and i can hear the sound of a golf tournament competing with the QVC channel. he and his partner remind me that true love is just coexistence. i make my way up the half staircase and am greeted by adele’s siren of a voice. though my grandfather hasn’t been in my life for many years, i’ve learned volumes about him through her eccentricities. spending your final chapters with a gemini is a choice.

for the next few hours, my grandfather and i play cards and eat sandwiches while adele debates which quilted purse she’s going to buy next. the silent tension that used to fill the room has been replaced with a quiet calm. we know we’re on borrowed time, but we make the best of it. the wound my father caused when he split our family apart has finally healed, and in its place is a new normal none of us ever thought was possible.

7:32 PM: i take my last swig of flat ginger ale and we say our goodbyes. it’s hard not to think of the woman i’d be if our relationship was never interrupted by my father’s resentment. i doubt she would be romanticizing cold cuts. she definitely would have been able to drive a lot sooner. i try not to get lost in the “what ifs” though. like my grandfather says when we’re playing gin “think long, think wrong”. life has taught us both to live day by day.

8:01 PM: i’m in a suburban parking garage and not in a sexy lana del rey kind of way. more like in a roman roy way actually, as the pre-grieving of my grandfather is finally hitting. plus my delayed emotions over the text i sent colin earlier this week are also bubbling up in the background. but tonight is melody’s birthday party, and i wouldn’t miss it for the world. so i haul my juicy ass out of my elantra and get ready to mingle.

8:15 PM: i arrive and hand the gal of honor her gifts. according to modern medicine, i don’t know how to show up places without an offering of some sort, so i love birthday parties. this one is particularly spectacular as melody is the queen of perfectly curated casual hangs. her place is lit up with warm lighting, tango in the night is spinning on the victrola, and there’s a refreshments table adorned with tapestries and a cunty little bottle of jack daniels.

8:17 PM: i see my friend lucy and sit down next to her. she’s wearing the floral dress i bought her a while ago and looks like a sugar plum fairy. she’s the funniest girl i know and has the face of a storybook princess. lethal combo. i stay for a solid 45 minutes and then drive home in the dark. i can feel a bout of sadness over my grandfather slowly engulfing me as i fight back tears to my immortal-band version.

i’ve always been what critics are calling “highly sensitive”. i get so excited about little things like bringing my grandfather corned beef sandwiches. but i also develop a crush just from someone buying me $8 peanut m&ms at the movie theatre. that’s the thing about a tumultuous childhood. you grow up to be both a better and worse person than whoever you’d be if you had a stable one. emotions are strong, but confusing. the world is precious but terrifying. the key is to find people who will sit in the in-between with you, and not run when you can’t work it out.

somehow i’m lucky enough to finally have a life full of those people. that will always be my greatest victory.

-rachel elizzz