hot ghoul diary 4.0
i went to chicago
friday
4:41 PM - i’ve been in chicago for less than two days and i’m already reading sartre in public like an asshole. vacation is awesome because you get to have a panic attack in a different local coffee shop.
right now i’m drinking an iced chai with oat milk if you can even believe it. chai lattes can be hit or miss, but this one from cafe jumping bean is perfect. not too spicy and the oat milk is thick and creamy, almost as if it’s from a cow. can you imagine?
i love feeling like i’m on a farm whenever i go somewhere just to charge my phone.
5:58 PM - there is a thrift store on the corner of my friends’ street where i’m staying. i have about an hour until i have to be downtown to meet them, so i decide to mosey on in and pretend to be someone whose thighs are slim enough to casually buy second hand clothes.
6:00 PM: i make my way to the back of the store to look at a pile of quilted dusters—squeezing past racks of sequin tops and crochet vests that could maybe cover my left tit. the worst thing about shopping while plus size is that you don’t have a lot of outfit options that trick people into thinking you’ve never used amazon prime.
6:03 PM: i’m in the dressing room and nothing fits which is sooooo on brand for me. i open my notes app and start penning an instagram caption.
6:32 PM: just got off the cta. waiting downtown for my friends to come meet me after work. the wind smacks my face and i’m reminded of the midwest’s unforgiving cold—a chill i haven’t felt since losing my father in the dead of wisconsin winter. for a second i feel one with nature and then remember i’m standing outside a blue bottle coffee.
7:20 PM - we’re at a place called fulton market and it’s making me wonder if i’ll ever own a home. my friends vincent and april decide on what they’re going to order for dinner. married couples love to discuss a menu.
i’ve known v & a since graduate school. they’re the kind of funny that makes me forget i’m third wheeling, hence why i dragged my fat ass on an airplane just to watch netflix with them for 3 days. april is wearing a knit vest over a collared shirt and has her curls pulled back into a sleek low pony. the last time i saw her we were chain smoking inside a pool hall at 3 AM, listening to billie eilish through an iPhone speaker. vincent looks the same (in love).
7:32 PM: we order the oysters as an appetizer and i pretend to be cool with that. typically i’d whine until i got my way (pulled pork nachos), but i’m too grateful to be around people who keep in touch despite knowing me at 25. soon our table is filled with too many plates and endless laughter.
saturday (afternoon)
1:03 PM - today almost doesn't feel real. the oddities flea market is in town so vincent, april, and i are headed over in a lyft. i’ve wanted to go ever since i saw the beautiful flyer years ago on instagram, and the day has finally come. time to drop my small chunk of disposable income on as much unearthly art as i can carry home.
1:36 PM: we arrive at the event and like true friends, immediately part ways. vincent and april go off on their own to search for home decor and i go straight for the first booth i see, adorned with illustrations in antique frames. i buy a pack of stickers and a framed print of a pixie. while i don’t take many photos of the market, i make a point of capturing the wares of my two favorite vendors to share with y’all.
left: framed prints by sarai nissan + her void tarot deck in the top right corner. i’ve had the deck for some time now and for such unique, intricately designed cards its quite beginner-friendly! i chatted with sarai for a bit and picked up the void tarot guidebook, which came with the most beautifully vampiric bookmark i’ve ever seen. if you’re looking to add some gilded, ghoulish accents to your chamber, look no further.
right: last rites vintage was probably one of the first shops on instagram that inspired me to curate a personal style. i’ve been following their account for a long long time, so finally getting to shop irl was amazing. i didn’t buy any clothes, but the owner was incredibly sweet and helped me pick out my new everyday fragrance. it’s a solid perfume called “left at the alter” and smells like a voluptuous, mysteriously widowed witch who owns a metaphysical shop just to lounge in a dark corner, seductively eating tiramisu.
2:50 PM: slathered in my new signature scent, i meet april and vincent outside the convention center. we each have tote bags full of trinkets. i watch some of the other flea market-goers walk to their cars. everyone is wearing platform boots. i want to stay here forever but the lyft is five minutes away.
saturday (nightfall)
7:02 PM - i’m getting ready to meet my long time comedy friend, molly later tonight in lakeview. she “invited” me to do 5 minutes at her open mic (i groveled via instagram story reply). i suppose i feel entitled to the now rare chance at doing the only thing i’m good at (degrading myself in front of an audience).
v & a are coming to the mic too, along with their friend duncan and his partner phoebe for extra moral support. duncan and i attended the same grad program but they got there right as i was finishing. i have no memory of them but apparently we met briefly in the elevator of my old apartment building. if i had to guess, i was on my way to have cigar smoke blown across my cream blush face. that, or accepting a dominoes delivery.
7: 29 PM: my makeup is finally done (roseacea almost hidden). i squeeze my ass into a black wrap dress, and hear vincent remark on the time from outside the door. i wish holding people up didn’t make me feel like a beautiful princess.
8: 04 PM: the three of us arrive at duncan’s apartment. he is warm, loud, and younger than me. two thirds my type. pheobe has big, bright eyes and a mellow spirit. they’re the kind of cool i wish i was nice enough to be. for the next few hours we sit around duncan’s perfectly cluttered coffee table. vincent and i do impressions of our former professors until our throats hurt.
10:05 PM - i’m in hell (a public place where i can’t sit down). we’re at a bar a called holiday club to kill some time before the open mic and there are zero seats available. it has the energy of a denny’s with an overpriced drink menu and a carhartt-wearing clientele. there should be a rule that before buying a “chore coat”, you have to provide evidence of tipping your instacart shopper. workwear would go out of style in seconds.
april recommended this place since they’re having an 80s dance night. she recently discovered new order and pet shop boys, aka the best thing that can happen to a person. a synth in our midst is the only thing keeping me from throwing a fit over standing in heels for more than 8 minutes.
10:22 PM: finally the music starts and we head to the back room to dance. i beg the dj to play sisters of mercy (he hates me). forty five minutes later this corrosion comes on. my friends dance like they’re in love. i try to dance like a girl i saw on tik tok.
10:50 PM: i let everyone know the dance party is over and it’s time to watch me do comedy instead. they pretend to be excited. it’s moments like this when i know i’m at least somewhat attractive.
11:01 PM: we get to the mic and i dart past the bar for once, making a b-line for molly. as usual, she’s sitting at a table surrounded by people. we hug for the first time in years and for a moment my days in the sun don’t feel so distant.
the last time i hung out with molly, she was telling me who she wanted to be after college and i was eating a double cheeseburger. she’s the kind of person who doesn’t know how cool she is despite having one million friends. getting lunch together felt like i made it in hollywood.
11:10 PM: shortly after i take my seat next to april and duncan, molly kicks off the mic with jokes i haven’t heard yet. i’ve never seen someone sparkle under stage light quite like molly. watching her fill a room with laughter reminds me that it’s possible to end up where you belong.
11:49 PM: my five minute set went embarrassingly well. outside the theater, my three old friends and one new one say nice things while we wait in the cold for a lyft. i remember what it’s like for people to think you’re good at something. it makes them feel good too.
11:58 PM: the car arrives and i say goodbye to duncan and phoebe—they hug me, then walk away holding hands under the neon light. vincent and april kiss in the backseat. their contentment cuts through the radio, and i crack a window to let the city bite my cheek. the drive home is quiet. i write new jokes in my head.
-rachel elizzz